Everything Everywhere All At Once is awful with an absolute convoluted mess of a story. If you took a hackneyed version of the The Matrix films and fused them with a really bad three-part multiverse/time travel episode of Star Trek, it would be something comparable. I went into it with optimism because I like Michelle Yeoh, but the whole story is a trainwreck. Even looking at it as a comedy because of how ridiculous it gets, it still fails because it’s not funny, even when it seems to be trying.

You would think having both Michelle Yeoh and James Hong, two very good Asian thespians, plus Ke Huy Quan, who was the kid who played Short Round in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, would yield something at least watchable. However, the story is complete nonsense and I question if the writers were even trying. If the whole movie were one big joke that wasn’t supposed to be taken seriously, it could’ve worked if not for the serious emotional moments they kept trying to interject into the story that fell flat. If you’ve spent all of your time being goofy and not building up your characters enough to make the audience care about them, moments like that aren’t going to work. I didn’t care how many different universes Michelle Yeoh’s character and her husband loved each other in because, by that time, I was counting the minutes until the movie was going to be over.

This is probably the worst movie I’ve seen since The DaVinci Code: nonsensical to the point of boredom while trying to be self-important and intelligent, and way too long. At the end, they tried shoehorning a moral message about the universe and how small mankind is in it and so we need to love each other blah, blah, blah, but I really didn’t care by that point. I just wanted it to end. I didn’t care about Michelle Yeoh’s character, I didn’t care about her whiny lesbian daughter, or her girlfriend, I didn’t care about her simpering husband, and I didn’t care about their convoluted multiverse story they were trying to tell that played out like it was written by a group of Star Trek fan-fiction first-timers. I’m still not entirely convinced the movie wasn’t a big ironic joke. What’s even more astonishing is that this film actually won awards, including Best Picture at the Oscars.

This is why I don’t watch a lot of movies. When I do watch one, I want it to be something good that I haven’t seen before, but I have a really hard time finding movies like that anymore, and I refuse to watch any more comic book fare. I’m obviously not the audience for Hollywood anymore.